Still grieving and deeply heartbroken we went in for our 2nd round of IVF. This cycle was supposed to be easier, we had frozen embryos so no need for the egg retrieval, but it was a nightmare.
Not only were my emotions all over the shop but in the first cycle I put on 10kg! Hormones do crazy things. None of my clothes fit, I felt fat and frumpy, didn’t feel good about myself at all and was still grieving the cycle that didn’t work.
Still we were encouraged to push on and go again, so we did.
Another month of drugs – mostly nasal sprays and suppositries to try and thicken the lining in the uterus and get ready. Daily ultrasounds and bloods again. This time I felt really nauseous the whole time. I was struggling to be positive and to keep my head in the light. All I could think about was the little embryo my body couldn’t keep alive.
They defrosted 3 embryos. Only 1 survived and we still had 2 that were frozen.
Transfer day came and I think I just cried the whole time.
My uterus was in the wrong position and they had to try put it in the right position (ouch) the got my bits stuck in the clamps twice (massive bruising) and I felt nothing with the transfer and was bleeding right from that day.
I didn’t need anyone to tell me the bad news. I knew from that day that it was not going to be successful.
I think I didn’t have long enough to grieve. I wasn’t ready to go again but I did anyway cause it was suggested. I wish I had taken time out.
Anxiety around IVF flooded in after that. It was so painful and my memories were so traumatic I didn’t know what the future would hold.
I wasn’t sure I could do it again but we still had 2 embryos left.
Maybe we aren’t meant to be parents?
All I have ever wanted was to be a Mum…..
Let’s take time for us.